What Do You Say?

Some reflections of an 81 year old man whose 55 year old daughter's body died yesterday of cancer.

In my regular Bible reading I came today to Luke 18. The first verse says, “Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up.” His apostle Paul later wrote “Pray without ceasing” (1 Thess 5:17) and “Pray in the Spirit at all times with all kinds of prayers, asking for everything you need. To do this you must always be ready and never give up.” (Eph 6:18ff)

How do you “never give up” when what you and hundreds of others prayed for does not happen and what you prayed against does?

For me, the answer lies in recognizing that I am not God. That his ways and thoughts are not my ways and thoughts. His are said to be “higher.” Even by human standards, my knowledge and insight are extremely limited.

Hebrews 11 is a chapter that famously recounts Bible heroes of faith and it concludes, “³⁹ These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised, ⁴⁰ since God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect.”

Do I get that? Even what they were promised they did not live long enough to see fulfilled. We like to tell God how and when he should fulfil his promises, but often we do not have the capacity know or see how “all things are working together for the good of those who love God.” 

In the same chapter 18 of Luke’s gospel (as in other places in the gospels) we read, “³¹ Jesus took the Twelve aside and told them, “We are going up to Jerusalem, and everything that is written by the prophets about the Son of Man will be fulfilled. ³² He will be delivered over to the Gentiles. They will mock him, insult him and spit on him; ³³ they will flog him and kill him. On the third day he will rise again.”

³⁴ The disciples did not understand any of this. Its meaning was hidden from them, and they did not know what he was talking about.” 

Even after he was mocked, insulted, flogged, crucified and rose again just as he said– they did not get it while it was happening before their very eyes.

I often have occasion to remind myself of the words of 1 Corinthians 13, “For we know in part and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰ but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. ¹¹ When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. ¹² For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.”

WHAT IS IDENTITY

 

Yesterday was my last day as a member of the Council of Elders at my home church – a role important to me that I had contributed for 16 years off and on. Today was my last day at Linley Welwood law firm. I left the premises I had practiced law from for 30 years in various firm iterations. There was a fair amount of dust on some of the things I packed up.

So, it is a good evening to reflect once again about this thing called identity.

 

WHAT IS IDENTITY ?

 

In the social sciences, the term identity refers to a group’s or individual’s sense of who they are.

The idea of social identity is people’s labelling of themselves as members of certain groups such as nation, social class, subculture, ethnicity, gender and even employment.

 

In this decade, there is a strong emphasis in the society around me on gender, sexual preferences and race as defining personal identity.

 

In my generation, retirement or job loss is reported by many to leave them with a sense of loss of identity and worth. I don’t think that will happen to me. For one thing, I am not ceasing to practice as a lawyer nor to serve on Christian charity boards. But even apart from that, I view identity not merely my sense of who I am, but something beyond my own sense of self. In my worldview, my identity is determined by my Creator and does not change with my marital status, employment status, or sexuality. I once was single, but then I married and also became - took on the role of - a father and a lawyer – in that order. Those are things ABOUT me, but they are not me.

I am not what I do.

I am not what I have.

I am not what people say about me.

I am a beloved child of God, made in his image.

It’s who I am –  my identity -  and no person or circumstance or thing can take it from me.

 

Is 70% Failure Rate OK?

According to a recent Forbes article, 70% of intergenerational wealth transfers fail, according to research conducted on over 3,250 families who transferred wealth. That is, inherited wealth is dissipated by the heirs at this stunningly high rate.  It’s an international phenomenon.

So what is going on?

Surely families with the skills, work ethic and foresight to accumulate wealth also anticipate what it takes to successfully pass on their knowledge and vision to the next generation along with the assets? Not so much, as it turns out.

The researchers identified the root causes of the failures and found that the main reason was that no  planning or preparation was going on for the post-transition period. The  transferring families were not preparing their heirs for the multiple kinds of responsibilities they would face when having to take over the reins.

None of the failed transitions could be blamed on poor legal preparation, inadequate financial advice nor improper tax preparation. Rather, these professions usually did well for their clients.

"By contrast, the 30% of families who succeeded did so with broad and well thought out planning, preparing both children and grandchildren for their futures. A key component was to identify a family mission as well as a strategy to attain it.  The heirs understood what the family’s identified mission was about the family wealth.  With that known they were given the opportunity to practice their roles for the future, in philanthropy, the family business and other ventures at a more minor level than they would have upon the passing of the patriarch or matriarch who headed the family at the time."

My own experience of over 40 years as a business lawyer confirms what these research results say. But why? Why is it not the 70% who succeed in their goal? The reasons are many but mainly fall into two broad categories, I would say - Assumptions and Fears.

Assuming that one or more heirs has the desire and ability to take over and manage the business, farming enterprise, real estate assets, or investment portfolio is dangerous. Even the fact that a child is already active in the family business does not guarantee they have the abilities to sustain it or share the mission of the parents as a reason to sustain it.

Then there are the fears which block communication and preparation. Some common fears which become obstacles to success are: "if the kids knew what we are really worth, they'd pressure us with guilt for money now, take advantage, stop working hard." Or fear of loss of control: "They don't know how to run it like I do. If I give them the decision making, it will go downhill." Maybe, but if they don't start to take over before you die, you pretty much guarantee your fears will come true.

Of critical importance in researcher Roy Williams’ work is the building or improvement of trust and open communication in families, to permit them to be among the successful ones in transferring wealth.  He does this through professional coaching programs, offering layers of learning for both those passing on wealth and those who will receive it.

If you have family wealth, congratulations. If you'd like to explore how I could help by coaching your family in this type of transition, email me at waverockcoaching@gmail.com

Lorne

Saved Alone. What Shall I Do ?

"Saved alone. What shall I do?" As I have written about before, many transitions in our lives come unbidden. They come with events so painful that we would never have chosen them in a million years. Yet over time we can choose responses which may bring to us and those around us the music of peace.

In the late 1860s life was good for Horatio G. Spafford and his wife Anna. They were living in  Chicago with their five children.  He had a successful law practice. Their home was always open as a place for activists to meet during the reform movements of the time. 

Until now Horatio and Anna had everything going their way. However, in 1870 their faith was tested by tragedy when their four year old son, Horatio, Jr., died of scarlet fever. The Spaffords were devastated. In October of 1871  Horatio faced another test of his faith. A few months before the Great Chicago Fire, Spafford being a wealthy man, had invested much of his wealth in real estate by the shore of Lake Michigan. Not only did the Great Chicago Fire destroy most of Chicago but most of Spafford's holdings were destroyed. 

The Spaffords did not despair. They still had their home and their family. Though their finances were depleted, Anna and Horatio used their resources to feed the hungry, help the homeless, care for the sick and injured and comfort their grief stricken neighbours. The Great Chicago Fire was a great American tragedy; the Spaffords used it to show the love of God to those in need.

In 1873 Anna's health was failing and hoping to put behind the tragic loss of their son and the fire and to benefit her health, the Spaffords planned a trip to Europe. The day they were to sail for Europe Spafford had a business emergency and could not leave, so he sent his wife and daughters on ahead and planned to follow on another ship in a few days. On November 22, 1873 the steamer they were on was struck by another ship and  sank within twelve minutes in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. Only 81 of the 307 passengers and crew members survived this tragic shipwreck.

Anna Spafford was taken to Cardiff, Wales where she telegraphed her husband the brief and heartbreaking words, "Saved alone. What shall I do..." Horatio and Anna's four daughters had drowned. As soon as he received Anna's telegram, Horatio left Chicago to bring his wife home. Sailing across the Atlantic Ocean the captain of the ship called Horatio to the bridge and informed him that they were now passing the place where the steamer was wrecked. That night, alone in his cabin Horatio G. Spafford penned the words to his famous hymn, "It Is Well With My Soul." 

How many thousands, maybe millions, have been moved and comforted by that hymn? Click here to watch and listen to it performed by my friend Brian Doerksen. 

Surprising FACTS About Your Heart-Brain

Yale New Haven Hospital, Connecticut, May 1988. The hospital has just performed its first successful heart-lung transplant on Claire Sylvia, a 47-year-old drama teacher from Boston. This being America, five days after the operation, journalists are in her ICU unit, interviewing her as she sits on an exercise bicycle wearing yellow silk pyjamas and a pink dressing gown. During this bizarre press conference, a reporter asks: "Now that you've had this operation, what do you want right now more than anything?" "To tell you the truth," she replies, "right now I'd die for a beer." 

She is momentarily stunned by what she has said, not so much by its flippancy as by the fact that she does not like beer, indeed has never liked it. This is her first clue that she got more than a new blood pump.

In the weeks that follow, Claire finds she has many transformed tastes. She craves Kentucky Fried chicken, ogles women, likes blue and green instead of her usual hot pink, red and gold. But when she has a vivid dream about a young biker,  "Tim L," it leads her via obituaries and other clues, to finding the family of her donor, Tim Lamarande, and confirms where these tastes came from.

OK, Claire is a "spiritual person" who consults psychics. And some cardiologists and neurologists are sceptical about heart memory. But Claire is not alone in her post-transplant experiences. So many other patients report otherwise unexplained memories, changes of taste and personality, that it has led to considerable research being done in the 25 years since her surgery. The research, including that of Canadian neurologist, Dr. Andrew Amour, confirms the heart as a neuron-rich "thinking centre" connected into our comprehensive neural systems.

Read this article, view the embedded video, and then get back to me with your thoughts. My mind is racing with numerous implications, what about yours? You can enter a comment below or email me at waverockcoaching@gmail.com

Lorne

Intuition and Your Three Brains

I feel quite inadequate to write about intuition, but I am going to start because, at my core I am a learner. So I am writing today to invite your feedback and input.

For most of my life, I have been unaware of the Three Brains. Though I could feel things in my chest (heart) and my gut, I never recognized anything but the brain in my skull as a thinking, remembering, processing brain. I have lived, quite consciously, with the understanding that thinking and arriving at valid conclusions happens only in the logical cerebral brain. Even though I now know better, I still struggle with trusting this knowledge.

Every religious and philosophical tradition has some kind of understanding of intuition, as does psychology.  Humans daily operate largely by intuition or rapid subconscious processing by whatever name.

When I was in my 30's, I was yearning for spiritual reality. My first step in getting there, after acknowledging that was what I was seeking, was to admit to myself that it is possible to "know truth" other than by rational, cerebral, "head knowledge." Once I had admitted the possibility of non-linear, revelatory, faith-based truth, change came quickly.

But old habits and paradigms die hard - especially in what we trust as true. So it is with me and intuition. I have progressed somewhat in that I have learned to trust my wife's intuition. But that is because my own cerebral brain has repeatedly processed the fact that, when the two are in conflict, her intuition is usually more accurate than my logical, pro and con, weighed-out conclusions.

Next step - trust my own intuition. I do have "gut feelings", and it is true that I ignore them at my peril. So as I am writing this, I am actually planning to pursue the development and testing of my own intuition. You can help me by giving me the benefit of your academic and experiential knowledge of intuition.

Please help me by entering a Comment below or sending me an email at waverockcoaching@gmail.com.  I will respond.

Lorne

My Transitions - Part 1

Transitions coach - what do I know about that?

Well,  I am (a young) 70 years old and have been through many transitions. Today I will share about one. I plan to write about other transitions, but will start with this one, because its origin  goes back the furthest.

My parents married in 1942, during what became known as World War II. As a young wartime Canadian man, my father was subject to being conscripted into the armed forces. Rather than wait for that, and in order to have some choice, he enlisted voluntarily in the Royal Canadian Corps of Signals. While he was in basic training, I was conceived. Less than a month before my birth, he left on a troop ship for a dangerous North Atlantic crossing to England. My mother stayed where she was, several days train ride from family and friends in the West until I was born and old enough for the train trip.

Of course, I don't consciously remember that. In fact, my earliest memory is at age 2 when I recall being very frightened by being scooped up by a stranger - probably my own father.

When I was in my 30s I began to wonder about my relative emotional flatness and what seemed like some kind of hindrance in my spiritual development. Reading about the discoveries of Dr. Thomas R. Verny (The Secret Life of the Unborn Child) and others about the effects of prenatal and early influences on personality, I had reason to think that being born of a young first time mother, whose husband might never return alive, and being fatherless for the 2 first crucial years of life, likely affected me.

In my late 30s, I was visiting with a former pastor of mine and talking about the various effects of  unforgiveness. He encouraged me, on the spot, to begin to pray and ask God to reveal areas in which I may need to forgive. I had no preconception as to what might come up and I certainly did not expect what happened next.

As I began to pray and ask for revelation, all of a sudden the floodgates of my emotions burst open. I began to weep strongly and to proclaim my forgiveness of my father for "abandoning" me, of my mother for modelling emotional flatness, and of the Canadian government and military for taking my Dad from me. 

I was shocked. My logical, cerebral brain told me that my Dad did not intend to abandon me, he wrote home, sent money, was always very dutiful and loved his family; that my mother was a "strong woman" who did the best she could quite amazingly; that war is hell even for governments - but my heart and gut were not buying it. See http://goo.gl/bB5E6

That day was a large step of transition for me, a mental, emotional and spiritual transition that is still continuing.

If you think you could relate to me and that I could help you with some transition in your life, email me at waverockcoaching@gmail.com for a free introductory session.

Lorne